Chapter 8: “Growing Your Bush” and Other Hairy Tales

By India Taina

“Inchessssss bitchhhh”, is the celebratory remark we give women when they finally reach their hair goals of growing hair down to their ass or when wet, it can be stretched 1 to 734829943 inches in the air. High five girl, you got through the edge-less phase and past the bald headed pony look. It takes a real one.

But what you will never see, is this celebration of “inchessssss” for any other part of the female body. Literally never. Instead, you’ll hear a ton of the following: “Shave that shit, dawg, forreal,” “Shit is disgusting,” and my all time favorite, “Put that shit AWAY”. It’s always related to shit (pay attention, this is important for later). We just have a real disdain for hair that grows anywhere but our heads. And so, for my ladies that like to keep it a little (or a lot) hairy, this one’s for you.

So first, let’s talk about why people are so repulsed at hair on women’s bodies. For like fucking ever, body hair on women has been deemed as “unclean” and “gross”. This all has to do with the Patriarchy telling lies to humanity that anything that isn’t male needs to “fix themselves” to serve and please the male aesthetic (Much like Caucasity wants everyone who isn’t white to serve and please the “white aesthetic”). It’s obviously a lie, and not true at all. Hair is hair. It doesn’t make people inherently smell, nor does it make them seemingly immoral, as the Patriarchy would like to have you think. 100 percent of men that I know have some sort of hair on them besides their head, and only a handful smell bad, but it’s not coming from their natural process of growing hair out of their follicles. It’s usually coming from them just coming out of the gym, sweating in the sun, or not washing their ass or underwear because some dudes actually are gross. But never from the process of growing hair. 

Could you imagine if we judged men for having hair LOL Like if we lived in an alternate universe where men had to shave all their parts before sex, and moisturize and exfoliate to appease us? It would be CRAZY. Men would go on strike because they don’t want to be punished for something they do naturally. But here we are, 2019, and many men won’t even bother to get to know a girl the second they see some pubic hair peeking out of her bikini bottom, or “longer than allowed” armpit hair. This shit has got to stop. But where does it start? So I went on a quest to find out where this ideology stems from, and asked the youngest male member of society I know: My 10 year old brother.

When I asked my youngest male heir what he would think if he saw a woman with her natural armpit hair grown out, the following conversation ensued:

Brother: “I would think that she was a man, but in disguise”. So the Patriarchy got my innocent little nugget, curse you Patriarchy!!!! 

But then he asked, “Well, why, is my answer bad?” 

To which I explained, “It just seems a little unfair, doesn’t it? That men get to grow these long beards and armpits and EVEN butt hair, but when a woman does it, everyone yells ‘GET RID OF IT!” 

My brother took a moment to pause and think while playing on his PlayStation, and I asked,

“So, did your opinion change?” 

He replied, with his eyes on the screen still, and his hands clutching the controller, “Yes. I think so. I would not think she is a man… (pauses to put some building block on another block on the screen, with focus) she would just be a woman with hair.” 

Me: “Would you date her?” 

Bro: “Sure.” 

Me: “Why sure, does it depend on the hair?” 

Bro: “It doesn’t really depend on the look, just the personality.” 

TAKE THAT PATRIARCHY AHAHAHA. But through this experience, I realized that the standard of women needing to assert their femininity to men by hair removal starts way younger than I thought. It is probably instilled bright and early in the 5-6 year range, where children start to notice that daddy has hair and mommy doesn’t, and so that is the way the rest of the world (and all its humans) should be. And that is really sad. HOWEVER, there is hope. It seems all it takes is a simple conversation when they are still young and malleable to help them change their standards and opinions. Apparently, all we have to do is teach our kids standards instead of letting them get it from porn and music 🙂 It all works out.

But what if they are passed the age of malleability and flexibility? Then what? Well, those take a little longer to convince, and you probably do have to be clean shaven to begin with before the convincing can occur (eyeroll). I honestly think it’s a matter of exposure. If you show someone something that they were taught is gross at full blown capacity, they’re going to jump ship. It’s science. And yeah, you can definitely choose to be someone who just says “Fuck that, either take me or leave me,” and you totally have the right to do so. Don’t take me out of context here. 

But, as someone who has observed the wildly inappropriate and flagrant (yet heart-warming) stupidity of the male species, I think they just have to get used to things in doses and then they just get over it. Kind of like with periods, you know? At first, they’re adamant about not getting near bloodied pads, and need them all wrapped up neat in the bottom of the trash where they never see them. And then 3 months later, they’re picking up Kotex at Publix and looking the male cashier straight in the eye, like, “Tf you looking at, partner? At least I got a girl to buy these for”. I think it’s all about doses, man. People who are really into you and respect you won’t even really care about it, and it’s not going to stop any man who thinks you’re smoking hot from hitting that thang sideways, frontways, and backways. There may have to be conversations about oral sex with them, and it’s a fair point if you’re growing past trimmed, as it would be appropriate to talk about if your man was growing the same length. Nothing worse than being told by your mother in law that you have a hair in between your teeth, and it’s from head… but not your actual head. Moving on.

In short, girl, if you’re single and trying to grow that thing out, grow that thing out. If you still want to fuck around, fuck around. I will give you full disclosure though, you might want to tell whoever you’re trying to fuck with straight up when they aren’t horny versus when they are, just because they might not be cool with it, but horny brain takes over and then after it’s a shit show. Not that I’m speaking from experience. Moving on. If you’re in a relationship with your man/woman, but want to break up with your razor, talk to your partner about it. You know them better than anyone, so you know what dosing range will work for them. And last but not least, if you want to stop shaving just for you, and are worried about what society thinks, I have a little mantra for you, baby. A la Mierda, y que se joden (with butterfly and heart emojis). (For my little English speaking babies, that means, literally, “Go to shit (kind of like go to hell), and fuck them). The badness can not ever be erased from the baddest. So, do you, girl. The fellas will catch on sooner or later, and the ones who don’t are okay too. They’ll find their good matches. Just like you’ll get yours. Hey, I’ve always had a thing for Cousin It. So, live it babe. You’ll attract what’s good for you, by being you.

Love.

India Taina.